I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
