Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize