Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
