your parents love me but you hate me
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
