she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
