Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
