she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
