Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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