did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
