what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
