literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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