I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
