Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
