omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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