dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
