Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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