don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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