I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
NoShamevember. You game?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
