Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
