walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
