I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
