some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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