Don't make out with my wife yet
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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