This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
