You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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