new low.... made out with someone while peeing
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
