After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
