I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
