Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
