All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
