i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
