A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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