I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
