if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
These tits shall not be calmed
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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