I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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