I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
