I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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