he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize