here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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