So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
