4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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