And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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