No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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