you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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