You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
