a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
