he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
