I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
