I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
