listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
