I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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