Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
