I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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