Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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