Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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