Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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