I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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