Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
