I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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