All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
