i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
